I am a 44 year old addict who recently started to learn how to love myself. I am a co-dependent, people pleaser who up until recently, gave all of my energy to others hoping I could earn their love to fill the void I felt in my life. My drug of choice is the validation from others. About two years ago I started a journey of self-discovery. It has been difficult and rewarding. As I’ve looked back on my life I can see many moments and people that I believe were placed there by a Higher Power to help guide me to where I am today.
I was born to teenage parents who were in an unhealthy relationship. My mom thought having a baby would help fill her loneliness. My dad wasn’t ready to have a child. My dad sexually abused me up until I was about 8. At that time a friend’s parents became suspicious that abuse was happening and called DHS. My mom had no clue that sexual abuse was happening. She was trying to survive her own abuse by the hand of my dad.
Once the police became involved my father’s presence in my life was minimal. I only saw him once before he went to prison. He had “found God” and gave me a Bible. He explained to me how he had been forgiven. How could God so easily forgive this man who had hurt me?
At this point my mom turned to alcohol, drugs and men to cope. I felt like I had to step up to be the adult and parent to my siblings due to my mom’s neglect. One instance that stands out vividly is when my mom didn’t come home one night and I had to ask an adult I hardly knew to take me to the bar I knew she frequented and beg her to come home. She didn’t want to come back. How else was I to interpret this as a young teenager other than she didn’t love me?
During my junior high years I was an active smoker and hung out with kids from similar family situations. We would drink, do drugs, sneak out at night, some were sexually active. Once we even snuck out and stole one of my friends step-mom’s car to go joy riding. That didn’t end well, we all took a trip to the police station that night.
I am perfectly imperfect.
While in junior high I was going to therapy, trying to work through issues created by the abuse. My therapist thought it would be good for me to visit my dad in prison. I was nervous but excited. She guided me in the process of making a journal to share with my dad when I saw him. The day came and when he saw me and my mom sitting there he wasn’t happy. I overheard him ask my mom why she would bring me there to see him. That’s when I dissociated from him. He didn’t love me so why should I love him?
At this point in my life, I felt alone, I didn’t believe either of my parents really loved me.
The first instance that I remember that changed the course of my life was at the end of my 8th grade year, one of my friends confided in me that her dad had been raping her on a regular basis for quite some time. I knew I couldn’t keep her secret. I had to do what I could to get her out of that situation. I went to my mom and shared the information, she took the information to the police. My friend’s dad was charged and she was removed from the situation. In doing the right thing, I not only lost her as a friend but also my only other close friend due to betraying her trust. They hated me.
Going into 9th grade I was alone. I had no friends. I had no idea what I was going to do. I had to make new friends, not easy at that age. Everyone already had established friend groups and they knew my reputation, which wasn’t great. Luckily a few girls accepted me into their group. They came from better homes and in order to fit in with them I started shifting my behavior to match theirs. My grades improved and I wasn’t drinking and doing drugs anymore. While this was a positive shift in my life, I also recognize it as co-dependency. I became very good at shifting who I was to match others so that I would fit in.
While in 9th grade my mom was working to get sober. A married couple she attended AA meetings with started up an Alateen group and I decided to check it out. I believe Mary, the leader of our group, was put in my life by a Higher Power. She was a recovering alcoholic who had a heart for helping kids affected by alcoholism. She wasn’t perfect; however she was willing to open her home and heart to kids that needed it. She was an anchor in a very turbulent time of my life.
Once I hit high school I had two goals: Not to be like my mom and to get out of my hometown. I did not want to live as an addict, unknowingly inflicting harm onto those around me. So, I made a plan. I worked hard to make decent grades. I was either going to go to college or I was going to join the marines. Either way I was going to escape. Towards the end of my high school career, I met with my advisor to talk about my plans for after I graduated. My advisor advised me against trying to go to college. I don’t really remember her reason why, but I remember believing it was due to my family situation. I was poor white trash and would always be poor white trash. That only spurred me on to get out of there. I was accepted into OSU and many years later I graduated from Kansas State University with a bachelor’s degree in business management.
My first year of college I met Emmy. I believe God placed her in my life to help keep me on track with my goals. She was very different from me. Her being in my life kept me from falling into the party scene in college and most likely from flunking out. She was involved with the Baptist Student Union and invited me along. I shifted my life to fit with hers and it kept me out of trouble. In our third year of college, I began to realize I wasn’t being authentic to myself and pulled away from Emmy and from the BSU. I got an apartment of my own at that point.
Not too long after getting my own apartment I was introduced to my husband, Steve. I also think God placed Steve in my life. We were introduced on a blind date by mutual friends. I remember thinking he was too country for me and figured I’d never see him again. God had other plans. When classes started up in January, guess who was sitting a few seats behind me in accounting 101? Yep, it was Steve. He asked me on a date and the rest is history. We dated a little over a year before getting married. Steve came from a good family and was stable. I knew he would take care of me. Once Steve graduated from college we started our adventure with corporate life. We would move to a different state every two to four years for new opportunities with his career. We did this over the span of 10 years. During this time, I became very co-dependent with Steve. The more we moved the less I wanted to forge friendships because I didn’t want to deal with the heartbreak of losing them when we moved again. I essentially made Steve my center, he was my God, and this was horrible for our relationship. When I had my daughter in 2008, I was able to stay at home with her. This only made my world smaller and my co-dependency worse. Of course, in the midst of it I didn’t realize what I was doing. I would blame him for our issues. We did our best to navigate the issues. It took a lot of patience and acceptance of flaws on both sides.
Two of my aunts died in my early adulthood years, both before they were 40, due to the aftermath of drug use. One of my aunts was murdered by a man who beat her to death while they were high on drugs. He is now serving a life sentence in prison. My other aunt died from a heart attack from the effects of continued drug use. This just reinforced in me how much heartache can result from living in addiction. Not only did their death hurt, but the effects of addiction while alive forever influenced the lives of their children and those around them.
When it came time for surgery,
I felt my soul calm.
I knew that whether I lived
or died as a result of that surgery,
everything was going to be ok.
God had control of the situation.
In 2015 I found out I had a large brain tumor that needed to be surgically removed. To say I was scared is an understatement. I cried so many tears. I wondered why God would give me yet another obstacle to overcome. When it came time for surgery, I felt my soul calm. I knew that whether I lived or died as a result of that surgery, everything was going to be ok. God had control of the situation. I don’t believe God caused me to have that brain tumor. That’s just the way life goes sometimes. We live in a messed-up world with imperfect bodies. Recovery from surgery was tough. It was the first time I realized how much I had wrapped up my identity in Steve. I had tried so hard over the years of marriage to mesh with Steve, I had no idea who I was. Slowly I realized that I had attempted to mesh with friends as well. I truly believed for others to love me I had to be as much like them as possible and meet their every need. Obviously, this was great for most of the people I encountered but in the long run it was detrimental for me. I was starting to recognize my co-dependency issues.
In 2018 Steve and I realized that the church we were a part of had a more conservative set of values than we felt our faith aligned with. We had been a part of that church for 5+ years. We decided to part ways from that particular group. Most of the members of that church, our friends, watched us walk away and never attempted to keep contact with us. It hurt deep. We did everything in our power to leave on good terms with everyone. I have struggled since that split with the desire to pursue relationships with church members. Why bother? If the relationship is only based on my spiritual values aligning completely with the other person’s spiritual values, then no thanks. I struggle with immediately stereotyping church members as fake, closed minded and judgmental. I do my best to avoid building relationships with the people that fall into this category. I recognize I am a hypocrite. But really, I’ve always been a hypocrite when it comes to church. I’ve always worn a mask around fellow church members. I’ve always felt that in order be accepted by the group I had to fit the mold. I pretended for a long time, but I’ve realized Jesus would want me to be authentic about who I am. As a result of becoming more authentic to myself I have built a wall to protect myself from being judged by those I believe will judge me harshest.
I’ve worked through forgiving my mom. As an adult I can look back and see that she did the best she could with what she had. She was a product of her upbringing, just like me. Both my children constantly remind me how much I’m like my mom. I hated hearing that for a long time. I’ve come to realize my mom is a good person. She didn’t intentionally hurt me. She loves me with all her heart.
Contact with my dad was minimal once he was released from prison. I would see him sporadically when I would visit my grandparents as a young adult because he lived with them. It was awkward, he and I just did the best we could to avoid each other. While in prison my dad joined a Texas based cult called House of Yahweh. He now lives on their compound in Texas and has changed his name as many of their members do. When my grandma died, I started doing research on the cult and found that a couple of the leaders had been accused and convicted of sex crimes, some against children. It bothers me that my dad, a man I know as a sexual predator towards children, is living in a protected community where some of the leaders have the same tendencies. In order to clear my conscience, I reached out and spoke to an agent of the Dallas FBI office regarding the cult and my dad. I was assured this cult was already on their radar and that my dad would be added to their list of people to watch.
My co-dependency issues finally were named a couple of years back when I hit a low in a relationship with a friend. I gave that friend my all and everything was great until it wasn’t. I hit bottom, I had no choice but to figure out what was going on and work to change. I realized I had neglected my relationships with my husband and with both my children in my pursuit of my relationship with this friend. The more I tried to love her the more she pushed me away. I couldn’t understand why. I was only trying my best to be the perfect friend. I didn’t realize I was essentially smothering her.
I have been in therapy on and off over the course of my life and was in therapy at the time I hit bottom. My therapist suggested I may have co-dependency issues. I was addicted to the need for acceptance and approval from others in order to feel I have worth. This was a hard fact to accept. Me? An addict? I’m not addicted to drugs or alcohol. I’ve made it a goal to stay as far away from that mess as possible since I was a teenager. But no matter how much I didn’t want to admit it, if I wanted to move forward I had no choice but to admit I had a problem. I also had to accept the fact that, in my pursuit of the goal to not be like my mom, I had fell right into addiction just like she had. I had unknowingly been hurting those I love, especially myself. The addiction just took on a different form. So I jumped into trying to fix my issue. I bought a book suggested by my therapist on working through co-dependency and devoured it. I was on the road to recovery. At the time, I was regularly attending a Women’s self-defense class. I overheard a woman talking to another woman about a 12 step program called ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families). Having been a part of Alateen when I was younger I was intrigued, so I asked about the group. She gave me some information and when I read through it I knew I needed to be a part of this group. So, I started attending meetings and working through the twelve steps. It has been difficult but rewarding.
Part of my journey in recovery includes co-founding and co-running an Alateen group with a fellow ACA member. My hope is to give back to others what was so freely given to me when I needed it most. I’m slowing healing from my past trauma. I expect to always struggle with co-dependency and PTSD issues. I’m working on building a relationship with my Higher Power, letting go of my need to try to control everything and allowing him room to work. I’m working on learning to love myself so that I can be a better wife, mother and friend. It will be a life long process. I know it’s not always going to be easy however I believe it’s worth the effort.
I am perfectly imperfect.