My faith journey started when I was baptized at 9 years old. Even though my family was not at all legalistic, I picked it up from various places and held tightly to the idea of control and getting everything “right”. I felt an immense amount of pressure like I was one mistake or scripture mis-interpretation away from condemnation. Thanks to the grace of God, my family, and college experiences, I let go of legalism in my early twenties and clung to grace and God’s presence instead. This was a transformation for me because it was initiated entirely from outside of myself and only required me to surrender rather than to put in any effort.
A few years later, I was married, working full time, and again felt an overwhelming amount of pressure. The thought “It’s all up to me” was a constant unwelcome companion at work and home. I thought if I didn’t give 110% at all times or if I paused to take care of my own needs or if I didn’t try to help all the people around me then the world would explode into chaos. I heard a podcast about how “formless and empty” in Genesis 1 could be translated as complete chaos, and I recognized then that God was in the process of creating something beautiful if I would surrender to what I thought would be chaos. Perhaps the best way I can describe God’s work in me at this point is by sharing an imaginative prayer that has had a significant impact on me.
I thought if I didn’t give 100%
at all times … the world would
explode into chaos.
One day I sat to pray and the image of me drowning in a river rapid popped into my mind. The water was feelings of overwhelm with all the tasks and responsibilities of work, motherhood, family, and trying to take care of myself. Jesus showed up with a boat and invited me to get in. Getting in the boat was going to require me to let go of control and leave all of my responsibilities in Jesus’ hands. This was not easy. I held this image for a few days before I returned to this image in prayer and got in the boat. Instantly the water calmed. The river was still big, but at least Jesus and I were in the boat together. He wanted me to give him the oar. I had already been wrestling with giving up control, so I did. As soon as I did, the water dried up and the riverbed became a beautiful garden. I felt so calm, like all the pressure on me was removed and I could relax. It was kind of silly to be in the boat at that point so we got out and sat on some rocks near a tree. I felt a sense of Jesus wanting me to just rest and be with him. I didn’t have to think about tasks and responsibilities constantly. I didn’t have to be doing something constantly. I could just sit in silence and joy. The list of things that I thought were my responsibility shrank dramatically. Before whenever someone would tell me about something hard in their life, I thought I had a responsibility to do something to fix it. During the process of these prayers, I realized that I can’t fix it. Listening and taking it to Jesus was enough. I still go sit with Jesus on the rocks in our garden when I have something of my own or someone else’s that is too big for me — grief, worry, longing for healing, etc. We plant it and watch it grow into something beautiful. Whenever I go back to the garden in my imagination, I see everything that we previously planted is thriving through no effort of my own – Jesus has been caring for them the whole time.